The Lamprey Song

There must be some sort of an answer
That I just can't seem to find,
As to why I have all these damned lampreys
Dancing around in my mind.
I wish that I'd never seen one,
I wish that I'd simply gone blind,
'Cause I'd much rather get rectal cancer,
Than have lampreys hang on my behind...

Chorus:

Lampreys, lampreys, lampreys.
What e're in the world can we do?
I saw you last night with a lamprey,
And that was the end of you.

It was sometime in early September,
When lampreys first came here in force.
I can clearly and starkly remember
How they blew up the neighbor's red Porsche.
I saw all this out of my window,
I quickly dialed for the police.
But I reached but a lamprey pretender,
Those lampreys killed with no remorse...

Chorus.

When lampreys jumped into the parlor,
I quickly knew something was wrong.
I hit them with my youthful ardor,
But those lampreys were just too damned strong.
The cat--it was hurled in the garbage,
And I was flung onto the couch.
As I looked on in sheer helpless horror,
One said, "this house don't belong!"

Chorus.

The lampreys began to destroy it,
This house--from ceiling to floor.
I knew that I'd soon be in deep shit,
So I carefully inched out the door.
I started to run for the Army,
But suddenly couldn't run anymore.
The sight of you chatting with lampreys,
Was something I could not ignore.

Chorus.

I knew then that you were a traitor,
Conspiring with them to kill me.
To encourage a lamprey dictator,
To destroy all of humanity.
I ran from the site in confusion,
I ran for the nearest safe house.
But the lamprey dropped down on me later,
I just hadn't seen that big tree.

Chorus:

Lampreys, lampreys, lampreys.
What e're in the world could it be?
I chatted last night with a lamprey,
And that was the end of me.

Scans courtesy Neil Chazin
Andrew Ho (ag-ho@uiuc.edu) | writings